Six simple guidelines to win my vote

Election time is upon us, and I’m actually looking forward to another federal vote. It'll be cool to see the biggest garbage in the world, when we dump $300 million into it.

In honour of the big event, I’ve decided to set aside my pinko lefty ways (Don Cherry’s and Archie Bunker’s words – not mine), and promise to vote for ANY party that follows my simple guidelines. More on that in a bit...

Quite frankly, though the mainstream parties in Canada run the left-centre-right gamut, they are each just slight variations of the other.

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The NDP is as left-wing as a chicken with one wing (a right one), the Conservatives are as right-wing as the Liberals when catering to the popular vote, while the Liberals are quite liberal with their ineptness.

So, really, other than $300 million of taxpayers’ money off the top, what do we have to lose?

Now, I have established a reputation as one who fights for her right not to vote, because regardless who wins most elections, I will be unhappy with the outcome. 

It’s like asking me if I want pork or chicken for supper. I am vegetarian. I choose neither. And with all the pigs and chickens on our election ballots, there is no point for me to vote.

But, come May 2, 2011, I could make an exception, should the powers-that-want-to-be adhere to my following six guidelines.

How to get me to vote for you:

1.    Stop with the mudslinging campaigns and commercials. Shoot a commercial on a basic camera and have your leader, or someone other than Michael Ignatieff, recite these words:

“Rather than make pointless, mudslinging commercials that serve only to take jabs at our opponents, because we have nothing truly good to promote about ourselves, we have decided to donate our entire campaign budget to [insert name of *cause or charity here].”

*Note: You are not considered a cause.

2.    Admit that today’s promises are tomorrow’s lies, and refrain from making ANY promises whatsoever.

3.    Tell us that you plan to cut spending on important social services, increase taxes for the poor, increase corporate welfare, and accommodate lobbyists, such as pharmaceuticals. For instance, explain to us that in order to live, many cancer patients, will continue to be forced to pay thousands and thousands of dollars for medications worth pennies on the dollar...

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(Trust me, it makes me angry to hear these things, but it makes me even angrier when you lie about it.)

4.    If you do not agree with the party in power, do not force an election, setting off four elections within seven years, while citing this as a profound need for democracy. Democracy is a government fueled by its people. Canada’s people have overwhelmingly stated they don’t want another election.

5.    Don’t try to justify a $300 million election price tag by telling us that it is a small price to pay to save a $241 billion budget. Never has been. Never will be. You all waste our money. All of you.

6.    Don’t wax poetic that Prime Minister Harper was found guilty by the House of Commons for contempt of our parliamentary institutions. Contempt is an open disrespect for a person or an idea. All of you openly disrespect Canada’s persons and ideas daily. So shut your lie-holes.

And there you have it!

I’m not asking for much. I’m not asking you to change your self-serving ideologies or manage any budgets in a socially responsible way. I’m not even asking that you focus on the economy, education, homelessness, or even putting the care back in healthcare (I’ve already given up on the universal part).

Just please, NO PROMISES. 

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Michael Ignatieff, proud he counted to five.

All I ask is that you tell me all those things that I don’t want to hear, and that you go ahead and do (and not do) all those things that have zero benefit and/or potential harm for the majority of Canadians.

Seriously, these guidelines are so easy that Michael Ignatieff could almost do them, as long as you don’t make him count them out on his fingers. Six is a very high number after all, and he needs that second hand to hold up to the wind.

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