D A H L I A
  • HOME
  • PODCAST
  • SPEAKER
  • VIDEOS
  • NATIONAL SHOW
  • DAHLIA
    • DIARY
    • PORTFOLIO
    • NEW BOOK
  • BOOK DAHLIA

Not Feline So Good...

7/11/2010

6 Comments

 
Picture
My Dearest Lovelies,

I’m a very private person (who, oddly, will put my life in the most public of forums at times); nonetheless, today I write you, because I need your help.

By now, those of you who know me, or have read my bio, know that I am a dog-person. I love dogs – all dogs. Cute ones, little ones, big ones, fat ones, ugly ones… I love ‘em all.

My boy is also a dog-person. So of course, we have a cat.

Allow me to explain:

Both of us had dogs before. In fact, we each had two. All four lived long lives, and have since passed on.

With the nature of our lifestyle right now, in all fairness to our potential puppies, we have decided to wait before bringing any home.

But, a few years ago, the boy rescued a cat. Now, I want to un-rescue him.

The cat came with a name (and an attitude): Clive.

And with a name like Clive, I thought it only proper to give him a distinguished middle name: Clive Montgomery Schwartz. (Schwartz - my boy’s last name.)

But, I also call him Walnut, because his brain is the size of one. Not my husband, the cat.

If I were to call my husband a name to match his brain size, I suppose I’d call him (Large) Grapefruit or perhaps Pummelo?

(And if you want to know my husband’s real name, I challenge you to find it, it’s somewhere on this site.)
PictureClive-fresh laundry.
Anyway, sometimes I will also call Clive, Clove. After all, he was neutered.

Oh, and here’s an interesting piece of trivia that you probably don’t know, which I discovered shortly after I moved in, and (by default) inherited Clive-olemew…

Cat is not the full word for feline. Cat is actually short for “Catch-on-fire.”

Yup. Can’t even light a candle in our house. The cat will indubitably find a way to catch on fire.

(Just thought of another name for him: Smokey The Cat.)

I apologize if I’m rambling, but I really haven’t slept at all lately. Which brings to me to the “help me” part of this post.

About a week ago, the boy went out of town, and won’t return until the end of the month. Since he has left, He’s-Not-Dead-He’s-A-Clive has turned into all sorts of bad.

He’ll snap at me when I try to discipline him.

He’ll get into places and destroy things he’s never tried to destroy.

He’ll aggressively and relentlessly try to take food right off my plate.

He’ll push objects off my dresser, one at a time, in hopes I’ll awaken to feed him.

He’ll chew on my hair and pick at the sheets throughout the night, in hopes I’ll awaken to feed him.

And I don’t know what’s more annoying about him chewing my hair: the sheer destruction, or the chewing-on-a-banana-like sound it makes.

(Who knew that hair made the same sound as a banana when chewed upon?)

Picture
Some people tell me that with the typical “dominant-male” out of the house, Clive is simply asserting himself as the new dominant male.

Not that my boy is dominant, but maybe it’s just because he is hairy.

Should I stop shaving my legs?

I dunno.

So I ask you, Dear Readers, what should I do?

And please note, I can’t lock Cliveronomy out of any room, he’ll simply scratch a door and whine into oblivion.

Here’s what I have done:

I now have a water spray bottle by my pillow. Clivectomy tries to awaken me, I spritz the bugger. After one spray, he learned that he hated it. You’d think he’d stop trying to wake me up? Nope. Now he just darts away as soon as he sees me go for the bottle.

Actually, he gallops away. Yes, when he runs it sounds like he's galloping.

By the way, his fear of the water bottle proves the little Walnut is actually a quick study. He knows what no means; he just doesn’t give a Kitty Litter.

Also, I have read it’s not always good to feed a cat immediately upon wakening, as they associate you waking-up with the reward of food. (Which is indeed the way I interpret it too: “Yes, I’m up! I deserve food.”)

So, now I wait until about an hour after I get up before I feed the little cat-hole.

Though, I guess to be fair, Clive-a-saurus Rex has some good qualities.

PictureOne of these things is not like the other...
It used to be that if he sat six feet away from you, he was “cuddling” with you. The day my last puppy died, Clive plopped himself directly on my lap for an hour.

To this day, he will now cuddle on laps – on his own terms, of course. Meaning, don’t talk, move, breathe funny, or even turn a channel… he may abandon ship in an instant.

Okay. So he doesn’t have good qualities. He merely has a good quality. But it’s a very dog-like quality and I love dogs.

Fine. When I come home he’ll turn over on his back to greet me. That’s dog-like too.

Good qualities – plural. (Now hopefully cat-people will keep the hate-mail to a minimum.)

But seriously, what can I do?

I cat take this anymore.

Help. Please. I need your advice.

-dahliaxoxo

Tweet
6 Comments
Dr. Kavorkian
7/11/2010 02:33:36 pm

I can help with your problem. Just give me an hour.

Reply
Buddy Oakes link
7/11/2010 11:41:01 pm

I'd say Clive should be introduced to the great outdoors.

Reply
eliad
7/12/2010 04:30:49 am

What is this 'husband' you speak about?

Reply
dahlia link
7/12/2010 04:35:54 am

doc: that kinda even creeps me out

buddy: we can only dream

eliad: first answer me this - who's "els"?

Reply
PPM
7/19/2010 12:57:01 am

Snuff the cat.
1 old pillow case
1 brick or large stone
One pond or large dugout
One lonely moment where no one is looking or around.
One cat in bag
One simple but firmly tied knot
One toss
= One less problem to deal with.

You're Welcome.

Reply
Meredith
7/19/2010 02:47:34 am

Dahlia,
You could put him in a kennel until hubby returns (not great for the pocket book, good for sleep, and kitty will behave better in "his own space"). Otherwise, I'd give to his "needs" and leave him a heap of food, so he doesn't bother you so much at night for food. Lend him to the 'rents, to keep recouperating dad busy...hahahha (joke).

I think the behaviour is more that he is missing his dad. Hope he's been behaving better, as i'm a little late reading this one.

Meowedith

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    April 2021
    February 2021
    March 2020
    September 2018
    July 2018
    April 2018
    October 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    September 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    September 2012
    April 2012
    January 2012
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010

DAHLIA
Live And HELP Live
National Talk Show Host | Podcaster | Digital Entrepreneur | Speaker 
Writer | RIghter .
Copyright © 2023 DahliaKurtz.com
  • HOME
  • PODCAST
  • SPEAKER
  • VIDEOS
  • NATIONAL SHOW
  • DAHLIA
    • DIARY
    • PORTFOLIO
    • NEW BOOK
  • BOOK DAHLIA