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Meat of the matter

10/4/2010

4 Comments

 
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I am a vegetarian. So, no, I do not eat fish, I do not eat chicken, I do not even occasionally eat red meat.

(I may however make an exception and bite someone’s head off if I am asked the red meat question one more time.)

For the record, the dictionary defines a vegetarian as a person who refrains from eating any meat, fish, or fowl.

Common sense defines it as such as well.

People often ask me, “If you’re a vegetarian, why don’t you eat fish?”

To which I feel like responding, “If you’re able to speak English, why don’t you understand it?”

I suppose however, that I shouldn’t be upset with everyone who thinks that vegetarianism includes fish and poultry (and moo-meat from time to time). Part of the problem stems from the two-faced-face-eaters. Self-righteous, faux-vegetarians, who eat fish and chicken; yet, still claim to be veg.
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If it has - or had - a face, a true vegetarian won’t eat it.

Eggs and dairy? They never had faces, and are just droppings and juices so to speak. These by-products are like the rent the face-filled animals pay, in hopes that they’ll extend their exciting lives.

Now, some vegetarians may get a little snooty, and add prefixes to the title.

A lacto-ova-vegetarian almost seems like a title that would have originated in the corporate world. It is just the extra fancy way to say, vegetarian, someone who eats dairy products, eggs, and follows a plant-based diet.

Then there are the less pretentious, but very specific, lacto-vegetarians, and ova-vegetarians, who are one animal by-product away from being vegan.

Vegans will not eat any animal or animal by-products.

So, yes, some prefixes work. Just don’t start prefixing “vegetarian” to death, because then you’ll merely have another dead carcass that I will refuse to eat.

I have heard people call themselves lacto-ova-pesca-pollo-vegetarians, which is just as convoluted as me saying I am five-foot-nine-minus-six-inches-plus-three-inches-minus-seven-inches-plus-one-inch. Simply say you eat everything but red meat, and I’ll say I’m five-feet-tall (and maybe add in an extra half an inch to make it 5' ½" for good measure).

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And to those who define themselves as flexitarians or semi-vegetarians – that is like saying you are Jewish, but practise Catholicism from time to time. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to somehow label themselves as vegetarians. We are not cooler or smarter or even more Arian than anybody. We are just people who pay way too much money for soy beverages, typically get less choices in restaurants, and still pay full price for the meal when we ask to omit its most expensive item - the chicken.

Nonetheless, I am happy with my plant-based lifestyle. It was my choice and has been all I have known for over half my life. I eat a great variety of foods - more than when I ate meat. And yes, I get my protein (so please stop asking if I do). Most important, through my diet and lifestyle, I have fended off serious health problems, which doctors thought would be nearly impossible.

Look, I don’t care what you are. Whether you are a vegan, a vegetarian, a meatatarian (100 per cent carnivore), a classic omnivore (And why do most people think they're carnivores when they're omnivores?), or even a McAtarian – that is between you and your colon. Do what makes you happy.

I will never impose my dietary ideology upon anybody. That said, I will impose my vocabulary.

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Mmm, find out how chicken nuggets are made.
For instance, as I’ve mentioned previously, the plural for penis should not be penises; rather, it should be peni [peen’eye].

Although, peni is my concoction, and I can understand your unwillingness to accept it, vegetarian is in the dictionary.

So eat that!

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4 Comments
Katana
10/4/2010 08:34:56 am

Great article, with a great sense of humor too!

BTW, I clicked on, "how chicken nuggets are made; that was eye opening and gross! I'm glad I don't eat them (although I do occasionally have "fast food" made burgers-which I'm sure goes through just as gross of a process too). I wonder how parents would feel reading this (seeing as how chicken nuggets seem to be favorite staple in their child's diet)?

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mac donald
10/5/2010 01:02:23 pm

i thought only roosters had nuggets.

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sammer conck
10/7/2010 09:27:37 am

now lets recap some classic dahlia lines...

1)"Part of the problem stems from the two-faced-face-eaters"

2) "These by-products are like the rent the face-filled animals pay, in hopes that they’ll extend their exciting lives."

3) "And to those who define themselves as flexitarians or semi-vegetarians – that is like saying you are Jewish, but practice Catholicism from time to time."

4)"that is between you and your colon"

5) "I will never impose my dietary ideology upon anybody. That said, I will impose my vocabulary."

good job dahlia, id love to meat you someday! :D



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dahlia link
10/7/2010 09:30:41 am

katana: thank you for your comments. glad you enjoyed it.

mac donald: these days it's not just the males who have nuggets

sammer: hahaha. maybe we will meet someday. but i could never meat anyone.

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