Let's tax the crap out of everything!

In an effort to curb an obesity epidemic that’s eating the country, Canadian researchers suggest a tax be placed on all junk food. Dr. Mark Eisenberg is lead researcher in the junk study and says obesity related deaths and illnesses could be reduced if the government steps in.

Chips, chocolate, cakes, cookies – they want them all taxed. But why stop there?

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You know what else should be taxed? White bread, white rice, white pasta, refined sugars, instant artificially-flavoured oatmeal, ready-made soups and sauces … 

Junk. Garbage. They all have little to no nutritional value, and what little value they may have is negated by their over-processed properties.

Tax ‘em. 

And if we’re taxing things that lead to obesity related deaths and illness, that is just the tip of the taxberg.

As a certified personal trainer and nutrition and wellness specialist, I think we should add a LAZY TAX to all factors that contribute to obesity. Here are some of my recommendations:

Human-in-training.

1. Tax anybody who doesn’t go to the gym.
Exercise is a huge component of overall health, and everybody must work out to prevent obesity related deaths. Just because you are skinny, it doesn’t mean your insides aren’t fat.

2. Tax anybody who goes to the gym and doesn’t do a proper workout.
Don’t just go to the gym to talk on your cell phone, or socialize with your friends and compare Lululemon outfits. If you do not put in an effort and balance cardio, resistance, and flexibility training, you are just wasting your time and taxpayers’ money on your eventual health problems.

3. Tax computers and televisions.
Junk food for the brain. Not to mention all the sitting these products encourage.

4. Sofas.
If computers and TVs encourage laziness, sofas enable it.

5. High-heeled shoes.
Sneaky culprits these shoes are. Other than Carrie from Sex and the City, how many women do you know who actually go for serious walks in these lower back and heart health offenders? In effect, they are often either sitting or standing shoes. Sitting and standing are simply euphemisms for lazing.

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6. Cars.
Granted these fatmobiles are already taxed to death in so many ways, but they still need another tax attack to help prevent death.

And, you know, it’s fascinating how many people drive to the gym, only to spend their time searching for the closest parking spot. Cardio? Or cardiNO?

Of course, there are times when a car is the only option, but so what? Junk food and its low cost is sometimes the only option to poor people, so that’s not an excuse.

Try walking. Sure, we may have to tax you should you decide to choose a shortcut, but I’ll recommend that as a lower tax than the one for your car.

7. Public transportation.
This is just the poor man’s car. Definitely taxable.

8. Maids.
Let’s see ... You hire somebody to clean up your mess? Not only is this a taxable luxury, but the maid should get a tax credit for the extra activity. (See, I’m not that heartless.)

9. Snowblowers.
I don’t care if you’ve had a heart attack or if you’re a candidate for one if you shovel. If you cannot shovel your driveway, like a true Canadian should, you are lazy and should be taxed, and perhaps revoked of your citizenship all together.

More to the point, maybe if you avoided all the lazy, fattening items on this list, you would be able to shovel now.

Finally, if you need to shovel your driveway, you probably have a car. And you know how I feel about cars.

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There's a very fine line between a write-off & a RIP off.

10. Poor people.
It’s no coincidence that the poorest people in Canada are often the fattest people in the country, as I detailed in a previous article: “Poor kids: The richer the nation the fatter the poor.”  

So, if the nation’s poorest are statistically its heaviest, taxing them more should help fix the problem. Clearly they are the laziest of the bunch. If they weren’t so lazy they’d be rich, right? TAXED!

Look, people are inclined to eat and be lazy. Advertisers and businesses are inclined to play upon these desires. It is how they make their money. So, if the government intends to tax every food item – that it deems to be junk – then shouldn’t it also tax advertisers, manufacturers, distributors, and suppliers of these items?

Ultimately, we should add an extra tax to all money too, because money makes people lazy.

But, the coolest part of all this entire crap tax idea?

If your health doesn’t kill you first, these taxes will.

(Note: Beyond laziness and Frankenfoods, stress has been linked to all the leading causes of death. So, bosses, or companies, or governments who impose stress upon any individual should also be taxed, right?)

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