I live in Canada, but I don’t use the Canadian dollar as my source of valuation.

I don’t use the American dollar, the yen, or the pound either.

I use shoes.

Yes, shoes are my valuation source.

Admittedly, math has never been my forte, but shoes on the other hand – or foot, as it were – are.

While the loonie may determine cost, the shoe determines true value.

Here’s how it works:

It all starts innocent enough.

“Come, hang out! Have a good time.”

You go. You eat. You drink. Have a fun night out.

Next thing you know, you’ve been violated – by the city of Toronto.

The city slipped a roofie in my meter.

Dear Readers,

One month ago, I accidentally created DahliaKurtz.com, and now I’m Always Write.

Like tripping over a banana peel and falling on your face, I happened over a few keystrokes and fell upon your eyes.

I never intended to create my own Web site. Well, that’s a lie. I always intended to create my own site. I just never did it... Until now... well, 30 days ago...

How many times have you gone into a cab to see a cross hanging from the rear view mirror or mini-saints standing on the dashboard?

Many cabs display some sort of religious or personal paraphernalia (sometimes seat belts however, may seem hard to find).

Today, news agencies across Canada are running a story about a Montreal Jew, Arieh Perecowicz, a cabbie challenging the constitutionality of the city for issuing him six tickets for violating taxi regulations.

Perecowicz is in his fourth year battling the case.

Thirty-four years ago this month, the Montreal Gazette ran a front page story about two other Montreal Jews, in their 10th year battling their own futile case against discrimination.

For a province that inscribes “Je me souviens” (I remember) on its licence plates, it sure seems to forget a lot -- and forget about a lot of minorities.

Tapped.

I just don’t know what to write about. With all the millions of things going on in mind, why can’t I pick just one thing and write about it?

I could tell you a story about one of my nephews.

The four-year-old decides I’m a rocket ship. He goes and gets a water bottle, and attempts to fill me up with “gas” – by pouring it in my butt.

Apparently, I have a gashole.

(But really, don’t we all?)

You should be here. By popular demand, I just added some more recipes from my upcoming cookbook... Check 'em out, and lemme know what you think.

And for my entry followers - don't worry, another will come really soon. Meanwhile, go have your cake and eat it too!

Skippy isn’t just peanut butter – or Alex P. Keaton’s affable neighbour – anymore.

It is a code word for Ritalin.

And the same way “fat” has an entirely opposite meaning when spelled with a “ph,” so too does “farm.”

Welcome, to 2010. Actually, welcome to 2000, because if you think pharm parties are new, well, you’ve just been watching too much Family Ties.

Sometimes I can’t think of anything to write.

This is one of those times.

So I’m going to write about nothing: Kate Gosselin.

Go ahead, pretend as if you don’t know who she is, and I will pretend as if I never wrote this.

While we’re at it, let’s just say I’ve grown four inches and I’m the dreamy, modelesque height of five foot four.

Oooh, I like this game.

“Ess, ess, mein kind.”

“Eat, eat, my child.” Ah, the traditional Jewish mother. It is no wonder she wants you to eat. Historically, thinness is associated with disease. More recently, gauntness resurrects memories of Holocaust victims.

So, it is fair to assume that to Jewish people heaviness could be linked with health and liberty. But within the constructs of this “Ess, ess culture” Jews, along with millions of other people across the planet, are imprisoned in a “Diet, diet world.”

Most people take it by mouth.

But in Ontario, we may have to take it in both ends, after Shoppers Drug Mart, Rexall and Pharma Plus are through with us.

The generic pharmaceutical.

The Ontario government is cutting the price of generic drugs to equate to 25 per cent of the price of their brand name counterparts. These savings will be passed on to the consumer, and the government, of course.

So we finally catch a break, right?

Well, we actually catch a 22.