And the Golden Globe goes to... Crap.

I found the 2011 Golden Globe Awards highly offensive, and I'm not just talking about Natalie Portman's dress.

Honestly, I have only myself to blame for this. Why did I have to watch? At least I came to my senses about an hour in, when I turned the channel. (Thank you, Weather Network.)

Still, even though I didn’t watch the full four-hour telecast, I watched a couple hours of the pre-show – practically a week in Hollywood years.

I should have learned my lesson last year, after taking in sub-idiotic red carpet exchanges, including:

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Natalie Morales: You play a serial killer in The Lovely Bones, so I better stand far away from you.
Stanley Tucci: Well, that's just pretend.

Natalie Morales: Are you a bad guy again in Iron Man 2?
Samuel L. Jackson: Nooo! I wasn't a bad guy before either.

Vanessa Minnillo: Your hair looks a little different. Oh, I guess it's matted from the rain.
Simon Baker: Thanks for noticing that.

Billy Bush: What a huge year for you - probably the biggest year, box-office-wise, of your career. Are you happy with the whole year?
Sandra Bullock: I don't know how you couldn't be.

Billy Bush: You just came out of the limo, so this is the best it's gonna get for you tonight. This is the best you'll look.
Courtney Cox Arquette: And this is the best your interviewing skills get. (No, she didn’t actually say that.)

Natalie Morales: NBC TV journalist.

And yes, last year, I indeed transcribed these snippets word-for-word. You never know when you can use a quote from some of the highest-paid TV journalists and personalities out there.

So, this year I skipped NBC’s pre-show coverage and opted for the E! obliteration instead.

Rather than type out all the stupid things said by Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, and some deer-in-headlights-fashion-maven wearing a bad suit, I decided it would be easier to transcribe only the smart things that were said:

Rancic: (Talking aloud to herself.) Okay. Calm down. You’re being a weirdo.

Well, after Rancic found herself squealing and convulsing uncontrollably over the arrival of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, much like a 12-year-old girl who just noticed a Twilight poster, it was probably the smartest thing she could say.

Admittedly, since that was the only intelligent line I noted all night, I did find time to grab a few inane exchanges.

For instance, Rancic with Australian actor Chris Hemsworth:

Rancic: Where are you from?
Hemsworth: I’m from Victoria.
Rancic: (Confused stare.)
Hemsworth: Uh, Melbourne?

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Rancic. (If you see this face turn the channel.)

Kelly Osbourne: Welcome back. We have a very cool surprise for you. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now walking the red carpet.

Surprise! Pitt and Jolie attended an awards show that they were expected to attend, and also as expected, didn’t afford E! a red carpet interview.

At least Osbourne delivered that one intelligible sentence. After all, the only thing more awkward than watching her and her fashionisto cohort (the deer), would have been watching your parents have sex.

But, as time progressed, their dynamic shifted, at which point, the only thing more awkward than watching them would have been watching your grandparents have sex.

Speaking of grandparents, we were again reminded last night that Nicole Kidman is totally natural.

Yes, Nicole Kidman doesn’t use Botox. And I don’t make fun of pretentious celebrities who constantly deny using Botox.

Of course, the most pressing question of the night, other than Will she hide the baby bump, or will she not hide the baby bump? was What will Ricky Gervais say?.

And he said it. Gervais said everything he was expected to say, and everyone was shocked.

Maybe all of those actors should get Globes for their performances.

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Gervais got hissed for his Tom Cruise/John Travolta joke (seen here), but then applauded for its follow-up. It seemed many celebrities probably did find it funny, but were too afraid to show it.

Today, in the wake of no other local or international news of any significance whatsoever, we squeeze out every last bit of newsworthiness from the event. As such, journalists begin to dissect and interpret reactions to Gervais’ quips by big-name stars such as Robert Downey Jr. and Bruce Willis.

Were they truly miffed? Only they know. But, who really cares?

Most fascinating is why we care so much about all these stars and how much they care for themselves.

To watch a group of people take themselves so seriously, to the extent that they take offence to a comedian who was knowingly hired to be offensive and (successfully) increase viewership, because the “stars” cannot increase ratings on their own …

To watch a group of people who beg to be looked at and admired for their beauty, but look down on anyone who looks beyond that …

To watch a group of people who kiss each other’s asses, including the jackasses’ …

Well, I find it all highly offensive to my own sensibilities.

So, I do apologize for bringing up all that I witnessed, but like vomit, this regurgitates on its own.

(And, yes, I’m on Team Ricky. Well played, sir. Well played.)

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