If you haven’t already watched shows on TLC, allow me to explain the brilliant concept behind the network: it focuses on super tall, super skinny or super obese people, and, of course, lest we forget, super fertile, and super medically-induced fertile people. But mostly it’s either about people who make cakes, cupcakes or confection - little people who make cakes, cupcakes or confection - or little people in general.
I say, enough with the over-tall and extra-small. It is time for average. Allow me to present my official pitch to TLC, The Medium Couple: starring, Dahlia Kurtz and Launy Schwartz.
I know what you’re thinking. At five feet tall, you may say, “Dahlia is a little person. Heck, "Kurtz" means short in German!”
But, alas, Jen Arnold, star of The Little Couple, is 3-foot-2. Her husband, Bill Klein, is four feet tall. What’s more, “Klein” means small in German. So I may definitively be short, but they are definitively small. Small is but a synonym for little. They win that title.
Thus, by comparison, my 5-foot-9 boy and I are The Medium Couple.
With all of its little people, you’d think TLC stands for The Little Couple, or even, The Little Chocolatiers (surprisingly another of its shows), but in actuality it’s The Learning Channel. And in this reality-obsessed world, we sadly lack learning about what’s real.
What is more real than your average couple, and their everyday life?
Now, what do I propose with this show?
Second, The Little Couple will be our closest competition – they are just inches away, so naturally we’ll have to consider what they offer, and perhaps kick it up a couple notches – or inches, as it were.
The TLC bio for their show says:
Bill Klein and Jen Arnold are just like your average couple - except for the fact that they're both under 4 feet tall! “The Little Couple” follows the couple as they embark on their new life together. They'll face not only the struggles of two little people in an average-sized world, but will also move to a new city, negotiate the purchase of a home, and weigh the risks of planning a family - all while navigating the ups and downs of any new marriage.
Here’s the bio for our show:
Dahlia Kurtz and Launy Schwartz are just like your average couple - except for the fact that they’re more medium than most. “The Medium Couple” follows the couple as they embark on life together. They’ll face not only the struggles of two medium people in a little- and large-sized reality world, but will also brush their teeth – and floss – regularly, pay rent monthly, and weigh the risks of getting dogs – all while navigating the ups and downs of any new relationship.
Still, this definitely won’t be easy. Bill and Jen invite people into all facets of their life and we will have to do the same.
For instance, some episodes they’ve shared from their life include:
“Rocky’s Revenge” – Bill is fed up with their dog’s behaviour. (Umm, excuse me… Has anyone read my “Not Feline So Good” article?)
“Fish Tales” – Bill and Jen compete to see who can catch the bigger fish. (The bigger fish? Really? Resorting to size? How original.)
“There’s an Art to it” – The couple celebrate their second anniversary, by taking a painting class and going out for lunch. (Well, we too can celebrate any event, and do it cheaply, because TLC hasn’t paid for it yet.)
Look, we may not be like that other couple and go to Orlando one week, Boston the next, and then travel to L.A. just to have our clothes custom made. And we may not be invited to The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, and Oprah. But we could too, if TLC were to back this project.
And quite honestly, I don’t think I’d want to alter my life for a reality show, because what would be so real about that?
They did get real in their highly anticipated season finale though. The over-a-million-viewers-an-episode show was indeed groundbreaking. In it, Bill and Jen fielded questions about their day-to-day life:
“Is it difficult for Jen being such a little person?”
“Are the cameras constantly following you?”
“What do you do when the cameras are off?”
I would assume they do the same things as when the cameras are on, since the program does air their every day life, right? The only difference is they probably pay for those things on their own – or at least with the money they made off their show.
But really, Launy and Dahlia could have just as interesting – if not a more interesting season finale filled with viewer questions:
“Is it difficult for Dahlia as a medium person, when she can’t even reach numerous items on grocery store shelves?” (No, I simply climb the shelves like a nimble, blonde monkey, or get some Brobdingnagian to help me.)
“Does Launy’s hockey equipment really stink worse than a sun-drenched outhouse in jungle heat?” (Yes.)
“What do you do when the cameras are off?” (*The same things we do when they are on.)
(*Depending on how much TLC pays us.)
And if you want to see us arguing about how I can’t fold clothes, how he can’t sweep properly, how someone forgot what someone else said, how someone doesn’t always listen, or how I can’t stand that he always has this thing where he has to fall asleep at night – instead of keeping me company until 4am or so…
Well, then, you want to see The Medium Couple.
Yes, The Medium Couple: We strive to be better than the rest. We strive for mediocrity.