What does this mean? Well, in layman terms, it means I have a crappy problem. I just can’t stop talking and writing about these human phosphates: fillers full of fillers, void of substance, whose final outcome serves mainly to increase bacterial growth.
You see, last week, when Snooki became a New York Times bestseller, I realized something – I actually aspire to be like her. It scared the Snook right out of me.
But it is Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank whom I have to thank for inspiring me to finally acknowledge and deal with this issue, in perhaps the best way possible.
(Well, I assume Palin can practically whisper to Russians from her Alaska home.)
Milbank suggests that if we were to stop obsessing over the VP-reject, it would free up brainpower to distribute and absorb more useful information.
By that logic, if I were to stop quipping and writing about Snooki, Paris, and the Kardashian sisters, not only would I free up brainpower, but I would also calm the gag-reflexes of my lovely readers.
In other words, if you find your kid smoking, you should shove a whole pack of cigarettes into his mouth and make him smoke them all at once. You know smoking is bad for his health, but to emphasize your point you must hurt him to help him.
So, in the most unflattering way to them, I have shoved these do-nothings in your faces, and as result… have created some of my most-read stories and perpetuated more discourse around them than before.
(Alas, you may want to re-think my stop-your-kid-from-smoking theory.)
It is so hard to stop talking about inane celebrities, because we are so hungry for fodder that isn’t good for us.
Cake, chips, candy, cookies, chocolate, celebrities… If it starts with “C” we are hungry for it, even if it’s harmful to our health.
But, the food we eat is like fuel. It gives our bodies the energy they need to function well. A diet high in additives, preservatives, refined sugars, and phosphoric celebrities can lead to low self-esteem, poor performance, overuse of stupid words or acronyms, and other wasteful problems.
Hence, this moratorium.
Of course, Snooki Whateverherlastnameis, Paris Hilton, and the Kardashians aren’t the only offenders of our metaphoric colons. Indeed, many famous people are well suited for passing through our bowels:
Heidi Spencer, Britney Spears, Tori Spelling, Jessica Simpson, any Real Housewife of any city or country, and any woman who is re-catapulted to fame due to a trend-following pregnancy. The list goes on.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“This is impossible. If we cannot talk or write about these people for a whole month, almost our entire vocabulary will be eliminated from Feb. 1 to Feb. 28.”
On the contrary.
When I became a vegetarian, many people warned that without meat I’d have nothing left to eat. But, without it, I actually increased my options and opened my mind to an even greater variety of food than I ate before.
Let’s stop clicking the links that promise senseless and IQ-lowering gossip.
Let’s stop buying the magazines and watching the shows that promote these do-nothings. (But, if you do succumb to watching the show, at least, please, don't talk about it.)
And let’s make this Fodder-Free February (and potentially a fodder-free year)!
So, just as Milbank pledged not to let Palin’s name cross his lips or keyboard for the next month, I too vow the same, WITH the addition of the other irrelevant names listed above.
It may be difficult, but just remember, it’s easier than accepting that Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian get richer every time you click or tweet their names, and that the nuclear orange girl is a New York Times bestselling author.
So, are you in? Show your solidarity and comment below, or join in the month-long event on Facebook by clicking here.