”When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.” – Gwyneth Paltrow
Oh the lies people tell.
The above quote is from the constantly acting actress’ crookbook, My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness.
The queen of the humble brag had other noteworthy delectables such as, “You just need some good ingredients and a few simple recipes, maybe a couple of jokes or a ‘topic to dissect’ at the table, the way they do at Nora Ephron’s house.”
Good thing most of you sit when you read, or there may be many injuries after tripping over the late writer’s name there – or other celebrity friend names casually littered throughout, as if Gwynnie’s referring to everyday buds we all share.
You too can now make $120 tuna salad.
Her latest rook, It’s All Good: Delicious Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, features recipes that could cost $300 a day to feed a family, so you too will soon be as thin as Gwyneth, because after a couple of meals you won’t have money to eat any more.
To be fair, I haven’t read her new book, but I have read about it. It purports a gluten-free and sugar-free lifestyle, from a woman who has purported more types of diets than a magazine newsstand: Raw foods, macrobiotics, gluten-free, truth-free, bank-account-expensive … Paltrow has peddled ‘em all. In fact, she pushed these lifestyles, while admittedly pushing herself to unhealthy extremes. In a recent interview with SELF magazine she says:
“I had to sing at awards shows, which was fun but stressful. I’d have a Guinness and a beta-blocker every time. I also was constantly getting on airplanes, trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills and wine, waking up, trying to sweat it out with exercise and a steam, and then working really hard all day.”
Even with her new diet, the 40-year-old continues to venture into questionable territory, taking her 8-year-old daughter Apple and 6-year-old son Moses along for the ride.
“Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs,” she’s quoted as saying.
A healthier, tasty recipe alternative to mayo and Vegenaise.
While refined and processed carbohydrates are indeed void of nutritional value, there are necessary, nutritionally dense carbs that dense people sometimes avoid in an effort to live - or subsist - low-carb. Paltrow continuously presents herself as a knowledgeable champion of health, but her advice loses ground frequently.
Another example of this is featured in both of her cookbooks: In the first one she delighted in her “most often-used and beloved ingredient” Vegenaise (Funny, wouldn't you think bullshit is her most often-used ingredient?), calling it a healthier alternative to mayonnaise. And in her latest book she writes, "We basically can't live without Vegenaise—it's a little out of control." But a comparison between most regular mayos and her precious vego will show that both types of spreads have the same amount of calories and pretty much the same amount of saturated fat.
Much like her advice loses ground, so too does her attempt to be one of us plebeians.
"We have apple trees at our house in Amagansett, New York, and in October they're bursting with fruit."
(Unfortunately, I don’t think her manor in London has apple trees (though I can't say the same for her other homes), so it’s a good thing she can overnight apples from her estate in Amagansett.)
“I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don't talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties."
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it's like, 'No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?'"
Photo from goop.com
Her lifestyle site – or liestyle site – goop.com, says, “Determined to publish a genuine and resourceful issue each week, for many, goop has become their most trusted girlfriend on the web.”
Well, we’ve all heard stories about how well we can trust online “girlfriends” whom we’ve never met.
And if you truly believe in what she has to tell you, then your girlfriend Gwyn has a goopy spring wardrobe essentials collection to sell you for a genuine $450,000. If you can’t afford the entire collection, why not just buy a pair of $200 jeans and a $90 T-shirt from her site.
Look, celebs do lead privileged lifestyles, which often self-perpetuate through their brands. And as much as I may poke fun at them, it is understandably part of the business when you are a business unto yourself.
But Gwyneth Palt-faux is more than just your typical air-brushed ingenue; she is also a hot-air-brushed disingenue.
You know what really happens when she passes a flowering zucchini plant in her garden? It’s okay. Neither does she.