”When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh the lies people tell.

The above quote is from the constantly acting actress’ crookbook, My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness.

The queen of the humble brag had other noteworthy delectables such as, “You just need some good ingredients and a few simple recipes, maybe a couple of jokes or a ‘topic to dissect’ at the table, the way they do at Nora Ephron’s house.”

Good thing most of you sit when you read, or there may be many injuries after tripping over the late writer’s name there – or other celebrity friend names casually littered throughout, as if Gwynnie’s referring to everyday buds we all share.

Women. We are the worst.

A British study finds that females over the age of 33 should dress like they are 66. Which is odd, because I thought 66 was the new 33.
 
Yes, in this survey of 2,000 embreasted and embittered people, it has been concluded that miniskirts must be skirted after 35, at which point naval piercings are also nay, and ponytails must be curtailed after 51.

Oh, and this is just the tip of the women-can-be-cold-as iceberg.

TV makes people fat.

Just not for the reasons you think.

We laze there stuffing our faces with junk, such as Oprah, 90210, Jersey Shore, American Idol, and the like. Sure, we also stuff our mouths with over-processed, under-nourished snack foods, but we stuff our minds with something that may be even worse.

Unrealistic ideals.

If TV (and other media) didn’t try so hard to portray skinny as the ultimate image, there would not be as many fat people.

Honestly, I don’t know Fergie’s schedule. But, it’s clearly busy enough that it takes too long to utter all the syllables that make up her name.

Still, Stacy Ferguson is one of Glamour’s Women of the Year.

(Obviously, I’m not that busy. I was able to write her full name.)

Kate Hudson presented the award to the Black Eyed Peas’ lead vocalist. She said Fergie is the busiest and hardest working woman she knows. It may sound absurd, but I believe it. I mean, do you really think Hudson knows a lot of working class, single moms – or heck – any upper-middle class, married, stay-at-home moms?

There has been a lot of backlash over an article by Marie Claire writer Maura Kelly. Her story focuses on Mike & Molly, a sit-com about two overweight people, and her disgust in watching fat people … do pretty much anything.

First, I want to congratulate Marie Claire on a successful PR strategy. Publish an unfavourable, media-grabbing, society-polarizing, controversial piece, then counter with a series of stories opposing it, siding with the public-at-large.

Well played, Ms. Claire. Well played.

Second, I want to take this opportunity to voice my disgust in watching skinny people, do pretty much everything on TV.

While everyone praises her, I can’t just sit back expressionless, while Teri Hatcher touts that she is plastic surgery and Botox free.

I call Bo-crap.

Recently, this important news story broke on CNN and the other major news networks. (Hey, if it is good enough for TMZ it is good enough for CNN.)

Dear Tyra,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve decided to end your show after five long seasons, but I understand you have bigger weaves to try.

True, you did stop wearing those weaves this year to show one can be naturally beautiful - after having her hair professionally done by an on-salary stylist who follows her obediently around the world.

Oh what a wicked web we leave, when first we practice without a weave.

Why is it that such an influential woman always speaks as if she’s under the influence?

Before you start judging me…

I didn’t turn there. It was on. I was at the gym. A hostage to its messages. Strengthening my physical fitness, while it weakened my mental fitness.

The View.

A show with five women, from five different backgrounds: Journalism, celebrity, sub-celebrity, sub-sub-celebrity, and Elisabeth Hassel-what-the-heck-is-she-saying-beck.

“Ess, ess, mein kind.”

“Eat, eat, my child.” Ah, the traditional Jewish mother. It is no wonder she wants you to eat. Historically, thinness is associated with disease. More recently, gauntness resurrects memories of Holocaust victims.

So, it is fair to assume that to Jewish people heaviness could be linked with health and liberty. But within the constructs of this “Ess, ess culture” Jews, along with millions of other people across the planet, are imprisoned in a “Diet, diet world.”

Dear Dove,

How are you? How are sales going since your Campaign for Real Beauty began? Are more women buying your anti-aging products and your cellulite-reducing complexes?

I understand re-defining beauty is difficult. That is something I have been trying to do with my Bye-Bye Barbie program. You know, teaching young women that they don’t have to look to a product to find beauty. Unfortunately, I don’t have any creams to sell them.