“Your 2011 Get Gorgeous Guide.”
“Is Side Boob The New Sexy Cleavage?”
“What’s He Really Thinking The First Time You Have Sex.” (Wait. Thinking? Men can do more than one thing at once?)
If all these headlines were substantiated, don’t you think the world would have far more gorgeousified (well, now it’s a word), well-adjusted women who understand men and makeup? And maybe even a little less quadruple-boobed-wrong-bra-wearing women?
The magazine and its writers sell us headlines boasting easy weight loss, wrinkle-free skin, and Man-English dictionaries, along with quizzes that validate women’s neuroses and pathologies. But, rather than criticize or question their validity, I have decided to join them.
I too am an expert, credentialed by my Masters in Because I Say So (the degree of choice for experts).
1. There is no specified “Gorgeous Guide” for 2011. Not yet anyway. For now, just continue using the “2010 Gorgeous Guide” and substitute “don’t get pregnant” with “get pregnant,” because that is what all the celebs are doing. Plus, pregnancy is a great way to hide fat and fill wrinkles.
2. The new sexy cleavage is … Any cleavage. Ta-da! Besides, cleavage is defined as a division or a split. Side boob is more of a pop or a sag.
3. How do you lose weight while watching TV? Hop on a treadmill and go for a run.
4. Want Taylor Swift’s kissable lips secret? She’s young and rich. There ya go.
5. Should you get back with your ex? Well, do you like him? Does he like you? If you said yes twice, go for it. If you said yes twice, knowing you’re not being honest with yourself, well, go for it anyway. Hopefully you’ll learn your lesson this time.
7. What men think of your hair and makeup: “She spent how much time and money on all that stuff?”
8. A sneak peek of the Jersey Shore season 3: Not sure what the greater tragedy will be, Haiti or Jersey Shore. But, there will be no real recovery from either disaster’s aftermath.
9. The cars that rank highest for sex-ability. (This being the ability to have sex in them.): Any car teenagers get their hands on.
10. Another reason not to snoop: If you need more than one, it is quite likely that another one won’t make any difference. So, who cares? Just be sure to look over your shoulder.
There you have it. Ten secrets not even Cosmo told you.
Anything else I can advise you on? E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or just leave a comment below.