You can see his bio, you can see his audition, and you can even see a bunch of cool video interviews he’s done with big name hockey players and celebrities – but what you can’t and haven’t seen are his secrets…
As his wife of two years, girlfriend of three before that, and friend of two before that, I have special access to that which he hides from you. (And as a friend, before being a girlfriend, that gave great access to ex-girlfriend info as well.)
After all, doesn't everybody want to find out the secrets of a guy's-guy, manly-man who loves pedicures?
Born in Montreal (coincidentally at the same hospital as me), and thus born a Montreal Canadiens' fan, he is affectionately referred to as “The Schwartz” – though his full name is actually N Launy Paul Schwartz.
With a name like that, you may think I missed adding “The Third,” but it was his father’s fascination with Napoleon that led to his name. (At one time, Launy’s dad was one of the world’s foremost Napoleonic collectors.)
So, yes, N is really Launy’s forename.
Funny story, when the nurse filled out the birth certificate, she asked what “N” stood for, to which Launy’s mother replied, “Nothing.”
So, the nurse thought “Nothing” was his first name. Nothing Launy Paul Schwartz.
At least Nothing is easier to pronounce than Launy, which is pronounced LON-ee. Not Lowny, not Lanny, not Donnie, and not Larry. (Yes, he has even been called Larry.)
He has a freakish love of lifting incredibly heavy things. (So, thankfully, even if I gain a few pounds, he never notices the excess.)
The interesting thing about him lifting these heavy things? It’s often heavy things that belong to other people – at times, things belonging to strangers nonetheless.
Launy has a penchant for helping others - to a fault. It can be quite annoying to take a stroll, only for him to stop to help some random family with something. Especially, when there are some things that need help at home.
And if he’s not stopping to help some stranger with something, he’s stopping because he just ran into somebody he knows. We live in Toronto, so wherever we go in the city or outlying area, he will indubitably run into somebody he knows.
And by “outlying area”, I mean Montreal, Buffalo, Las Vegas, Hawaii, and the like. Oh yes, his outlying area is international and even tropical.
Of course, none of them have to put up with his anal dishwasher item placement routine. I swear, I can’t even put a fork in the cutlery holder properly according to him.
And naturally, none of them have to put up with his compulsive laundry folding technique. I am NOT allowed to fold laundry, because I do not have the ability to fold a shirt the thickness of a piece of paper.
Not everyone is a ninja-level laundry folder or Tetris-ologist with everyday objects, Mr. Schwartz.
The thing is, I know a lot of who Launy is comes from his parents. And because they both passed away when he was young (his father when he was just six – his mother when he was 17), Launy has strongly held on to whatever he learned from them.
Perhaps not something they taught him directly, but something he was forced to learn after they died, was perseverance.
He is just an honest, determined, hardworking guy wanting to make his parents proud.
I don’t know how proud they would be about his inconsistency in regularly cleaning out the kitty litter, but at least he regularly cleans the toilet.
Yup, Mr. Fancy-Pants-NHL-Celebrity-Interviewer is the official toilet cleaner in our home. (Don’t worry, Ovie and Sidney, he washed his hands before he touched you.)
But back to that perseverance thing…
Launy has never been handed anything in life. Geez, even when he likes a pair of shoes, stores always seem to be out of the size he wants. I guess he’s not just footed anything in life either.
(And by the way, you think I’m bad about shoes? Meet my competition. Launy kicks my butt. Even though Mr. Brawny Launy has never been able to kick my butt at Wii bowling or boxing. Ooooooh, another tidbit.)
Still, if somebody doesn’t afford him what he wants, he just goes out and affords it to himself.
That’s exactly how he went from wanting to become a sportscaster to becoming The Schwartzcaster.
Quite honestly, Launy is very much still a boy – in many ways. Fart jokes will always make him giggle. So will Robot Chicken and Manswers.
He whines when I ask him to sweep. He loathes sweeping. And – though he denies it – will cut corners when he does.
But, as the “boy” that he is, he relates very well to the young, aspiring hockey goalies he coaches. Yes, while working hard to achieve his dream job as a sportscaster, he continues to put others first.
And, though Launy will deprecate his abilities, he is a very solid goalie, and an even better coach.
An injury, along with difficult circumstances may have stunted his goalie career and a chance at “The Show,” but those things helped something else to flourish – his goalie-coaching skills.
Those kids are important to him.
And despite his tendency to help a friend move on a Sunday, rather than rest or have a leisurely day with me – well, it bugs me, but at the same time it is what wooed me.
Launy is loyal. Launy is honest. Launy is just a good person.
That is why he was my first boyfriend.
That is why he is now my husband.
And that is why he has an army of friends and supporters.
That, and beyond having the loyalty of a dog, he eats everyone’s scraps just like one too.
So there you have it, lots of Launy’s secrets revealed.
UPDATE: On the September 21st episode of Drafted, Launy got kicked off the show, based on false and damaging accusations made by Greg Sansone (vp of the Score), Drafted, and the Score Network. Launy's official statement, vehemently denying the libelous remarks, is here, and his video public address.