Dahlia Kurtz: Always Write!

So my husband is vying to become Canada’s next sportscaster as a finalist in the Score’s national reality show Gillette Drafted 2.

You can see his bio, you can see his audition, and you can even see a bunch of cool video interviews he’s done with big name hockey players and celebrities – but what you can’t and haven’t seen are his secrets…

Until now.

As his wife of two years, girlfriend of three before that, and friend of two before that, I have special access to that which he hides from you. (And as a friend, before being a girlfriend, that gave great access to ex-girlfriend info as well.)

Since he is now under a little more public scrutiny, rather than put people through the trouble of searching for dirt on him, I thought, “Hey, I’m a giver.” And am ready to provide.

After all, doesn't everybody want to find out the secrets of a guy's-guy, manly-man who loves pedicures?

Born in Montreal (coincidentally at the same hospital as me), and thus born a Montreal Canadiens' fan, he is affectionately referred to as “The Schwartz” – though his full name is actually N Launy Paul Schwartz.

With a name like that, you may think I missed adding “The Third,” but it was his father’s fascination with Napoleon that led to his name. (At one time, Launy’s dad was one of the world’s foremost Napoleonic collectors.)

Turns out, the grandparents didn’t appreciate the name Napoleon for the baby boy, so his parents settled on lending the little general’s consonants to each of their son’s names.

So, yes, N is really Launy’s forename.

Funny story, when the nurse filled out the birth certificate, she asked what “N” stood for, to which Launy’s mother replied, “Nothing.”

So, the nurse thought “Nothing” was his first name. Nothing Launy Paul Schwartz.

At least Nothing is easier to pronounce than Launy, which is pronounced LON-ee. Not Lowny, not Lanny, not Donnie, and not Larry. (Yes, he has even been called Larry.)

He has a freakish love of lifting incredibly heavy things. (So, thankfully, even if I gain a few pounds, he never notices the excess.)

The interesting thing about him lifting these heavy things? It’s often heavy things that belong to other people – at times, things belonging to strangers nonetheless.

Launy has a penchant for helping others - to a fault. It can be quite annoying to take a stroll, only for him to stop to help some random family with something. Especially, when there are some things that need help at home.

And if he’s not stopping to help some stranger with something, he’s stopping because he just ran into somebody he knows. We live in Toronto, so wherever we go in the city or outlying area, he will indubitably run into somebody he knows.

And by “outlying area”, I mean Montreal, Buffalo, Las Vegas, Hawaii, and the like. Oh yes, his outlying area is international and even tropical.

But, I guess he has such a big family of friends, because he’s just a good guy. A very loyal, trustworthy guy. And people like him.

Of course, none of them have to put up with his anal dishwasher item placement routine. I swear, I can’t even put a fork in the cutlery holder properly according to him.

And naturally, none of them have to put up with his compulsive laundry folding technique. I am NOT allowed to fold laundry, because I do not have the ability to fold a shirt the thickness of a piece of paper.

Not everyone is a ninja-level laundry folder or Tetris-ologist with everyday objects, Mr. Schwartz.

The thing is, I know a lot of who Launy is comes from his parents. And because they both passed away when he was young (his father when he was just six – his mother when he was 17), Launy has strongly held on to whatever he learned from them.

Perhaps not something they taught him directly, but something he was forced to learn after they died, was perseverance.

Shortly after his mother passed away, Launy became, perhaps one of the youngest people ever to interview one of the biggest bands in the world, Metallica, while interning at a Toronto radio station.

He is just an honest, determined, hardworking guy wanting to make his parents proud.

I don’t know how proud they would be about his inconsistency in regularly cleaning out the kitty litter, but at least he regularly cleans the toilet.

Yup, Mr. Fancy-Pants-NHL-Celebrity-Interviewer is the official toilet cleaner in our home. (Don’t worry, Ovie and Sidney, he washed his hands before he touched you.)

But back to that perseverance thing…

Launy has never been handed anything in life. Geez, even when he likes a pair of shoes, stores always seem to be out of the size he wants. I guess he’s not just footed anything in life either.

(And by the way, you think I’m bad about shoes? Meet my competition. Launy kicks my butt. Even though Mr. Brawny Launy has never been able to kick my butt at Wii bowling or boxing. Ooooooh, another tidbit.)

Still, if somebody doesn’t afford him what he wants, he just goes out and affords it to himself.

That’s exactly how he went from wanting to become a sportscaster to becoming The Schwartzcaster.

Enter Hockey54.com.

Launy went from some shmuck, to some shmuck who interviews hockey greats. “A journalist tempered with fan-boy enthusiasm,” he says.

Quite honestly, Launy is very much still a boy – in many ways. Fart jokes will always make him giggle. So will Robot Chicken and Manswers.

He whines when I ask him to sweep. He loathes sweeping. And – though he denies it – will cut corners when he does.

But, as the “boy” that he is, he relates very well to the young, aspiring hockey goalies he coaches. Yes, while working hard to achieve his dream job as a sportscaster, he continues to put others first.

And, though Launy will deprecate his abilities, he is a very solid goalie, and an even better coach.

An injury, along with difficult circumstances may have stunted his goalie career and a chance at “The Show,” but those things helped something else to flourish – his goalie-coaching skills.

Those kids are important to him.

Which can be annoying as H E double goalie sticks at times, when Launy wakes up at 6am - on a Saturday - to go and volunteer his time as a mentor to those youngens. Oh, it’s not annoying to my husband; it’s annoying to his wife, who is a very light sleeper.

And despite his tendency to help a friend move on a Sunday, rather than rest or have a leisurely day with me – well, it bugs me, but at the same time it is what wooed me.

Launy is loyal. Launy is honest. Launy is just a good person.

That is why he was my first boyfriend.

That is why he is now my husband.

And that is why he has an army of friends and supporters.

That, and beyond having the loyalty of a dog, he eats everyone’s scraps just like one too.

So there you have it, lots of Launy’s secrets revealed.

Good thing I didn’t tell you about the way he asks for “scratchies” like a child when he wants his back scratched and rubbed. And good thing I didn’t tell you how his goalie equipment stinks so bad it makes me want to stick my nose in an overheated outhouse. And really good thing I didn’t tell you all the good things about Launy, or this story would go on forever.


UPDATE: On the September 21st episode of Drafted, Launy got kicked off the show, based on false and damaging accusations made by Greg Sansone (vp of the Score), Drafted, and the Score Network. Launy's official statement, vehemently denying the libelous remarks, is here, and his video public address.