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”When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh the lies people tell.

The above quote is from the constantly acting actress’ crookbook, My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness.

The queen of the humble brag had other noteworthy delectables such as, “You just need some good ingredients and a few simple recipes, maybe a couple of jokes or a ‘topic to dissect’ at the table, the way they do at Nora Ephron’s house.”

Good thing most of you sit when you read, or there may be many injuries after tripping over the late writer’s name there – or other celebrity friend names casually littered throughout, as if Gwynnie’s referring to everyday buds we all share.


 
 
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Women. We are the worst.

A British study finds that females over the age of 33 should dress like they are 66. Which is odd, because I thought 66 was the new 33.
 
Yes, in this survey of 2,000 embreasted and embittered people, it has been concluded that miniskirts must be skirted after 35, at which point naval piercings are also nay, and ponytails must be curtailed after 51.

Oh, and this is just the tip of the women-can-be-cold-as iceberg.

 
 
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It was the most revolutionary social movement, since the chip hit the fan, in the wake of a chip company’s noisy but environmentally friendly bag.

The other day, a small group of users on a social media site, created a social mediament, as it were, and managed to put an end to female exploitation.

Sort of…

 
 
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It is surprising that Cosmo never runs out of ideas for non-stories. So, it isn’t surprising that I’m about to follow the magazine’s lead, since I have no idea what to write about today.

“Your 2011 Get Gorgeous Guide.”

“Is Side Boob The New Sexy Cleavage?”

“What’s He Really Thinking The First Time You Have Sex.” (Wait. Thinking? Men can do more than one thing at once?)

If all these headlines were substantiated, don’t you think the world would have far more gorgeousified (well, now it’s a word), well-adjusted women who understand men and makeup? And maybe even a little less quadruple-boobed-wrong-bra-wearing women?

 
 
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Men, I am about to let you in on a very dirty secret, exclusive to women.

And women, I do this not to hurt you, but to shame you. Yes, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Granted, I am a woman, and like many other ladies out there, have no need for shame in this instance, but am willing to take one for the team, if it could finally help fix this horrible mess …

The zoo … The pigpen … The molto-disgusto-sicko-yucko-grosso:

The women’s washrooms.