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It is surprising that Cosmo never runs out of ideas for non-stories. So, it isn’t surprising that I’m about to follow the magazine’s lead, since I have no idea what to write about today.

“Your 2011 Get Gorgeous Guide.”

“Is Side Boob The New Sexy Cleavage?”

“What’s He Really Thinking The First Time You Have Sex.” (Wait. Thinking? Men can do more than one thing at once?)

If all these headlines were substantiated, don’t you think the world would have far more gorgeousified (well, now it’s a word), well-adjusted women who understand men and makeup? And maybe even a little less quadruple-boobed-wrong-bra-wearing women?